Forgiveness in the Mail
by pumpkinlight
Summary: He left. He was found again. All he needs now is forgiveness. A bittersweet three-shot about Matt & Mello. Songfics.
1. Part 1: Matt: Walking By

**A/N: This story is about when Mello leaves the orphanage when L dies. This is pretty much my first fanfic ever. I was listening to a song on the bus one morning, and it inspired this first chapter. I didn't really have a chance to write anything down during the entire day, and I almost went nuts thinking about it all the time. xD This was originally going to be just a one-shot, but two extra chapters were inspired by more songs. **

**The songs are all by Something Corporate.**

**Also, I'm sorry if they're both really OOC. But this is what they came to me as in this idea.**

**Rating: T- some blood/violence, language because Mello swears when he's upset, and some swearing in the lyrics. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own this song or Something Corporate; I'm not amazing enough. ****No I do not own Death Note. If I did, would I be writing **_**fanfiction**_**?**

**This is dedicated to my good friend Dannie~. (Dannie, if you even see this please tell me. Check my profile if you don't know who I am. xD)**

_Part 1: _**Matt -****Walking By**

_Your grand dad left home for the circus. He was young just like me,  
with hope to explore. He married a girl in Virginia.  
She could swing the trapeze, they could sleep on the floor. _

Your mother was born in December, on the one sunny day that winter gave up.  
With warm summer eyes,

_That flickered like fireflies,  
When she stared at the world. _

"Mello…"

"Why, Mello."

"WHY DID YOU DO THIS?!" I screamed and threw myself at the bed, pounding on the wall as the salty tears streamed down my face. I punched the wall, leaving a red imprint from the blood on my knuckles.

I brought my fist down on the glass of water on the bedside table. I felt the glass crack and break under my fist. **Mello was gone.** I slammed both my fists into the puddle of water mixed with shards of glass and blood. **_My _Mello was gone.** Dark ruby red dripped from my hands, staining the sheets. Shards of glass protruded from the back of my hands. I continuously punched the wall until I cried out in frustration and collapsed onto my bed, exhausted.

"HOW COULD YOU LEAVE ME?!" I sobbed and screamed into the pillow.

_So why do you leave these stories unfinished,  
My Cheshire cat doorstop with tears in your eyes?  
Why do you look when you've already found it?  
What did you find that could leave you walking by? _

The next day I didn't focus on my classes. I couldn't bring myself to swallow more than a few mouthfuls of food to just barely keep me alive. I spent the nights crying out for Mello, crying for him to come back to me.

My eyes were sore and bloodshot, my bones ached and my body felt completely weak.

I just wanted to forget, forget the pain he left me with for a while, but nothing could numb this heavy feeling in my heart.

Every moment of the day I felt like I was breaking. I felt as if I died a little on the inside every time the empty seat next to me in the classroom, the hall, the cafeteria and the cold empty bed on the other side of the room; reminded me, reminded me of _him_.

_She was raised in a New England village.  
Then she moved to LA with her firefly stare,  
And you loved sunset strip when it sparkled,  
You grew up and you sparkled, but why don't you care? _

I drifted like a ghost from class-to-class, having ceased to care, since _he_ was gone.

Why had he abandoned me? Why couldn't he have taken me with him? He knows he would be my death no matter what, and that I didn't care if he was.

He left. No warning, no goodbye. Just one simple sentence, that broke me.

_I've got to go._

_-Mello_

_And why do you leave these stories unfinished?  
My Cheshire cat doorstop with tears in your eyes,  
And why do you look when you've already found me?  
And what did you find that could leave you walking by?_

Each night I crawled feebly into _his_ bed, because it still smelled of him. That bittersweet scent of chocolate and just… Mello.

I was pathetic.

But didn't he know I needed him?

Each night as I lay in his bed, buried my face into his pillow, and I breathed in his scent, I would think of him, and those piercing blue eyes, ruffled golden hair and the angry edge he always carried with him, that concealed the Mello inside. I remembered the good memories we had together, and sobs would rack my thin body violently as the tears escaped from under my eyelids, drenching the pillowcase in my sorrow. Those times were gone.

We had been best friends. He was everything. If Mello was gone, why should I give a damn about anything else?

_And these nights I get high just from breathing._

_When I lie here with you I'm sure that I'm real,  
Like that firework over the freeway.  
I could stay here all day, but that's not how you feel._

I'm going to find you, Mello.

Because I need you, and I hope you need me too. I hope leaving me was the hardest thing you ever had to do. I hope you cried when you thought about leaving _me._

I might sound selfish, but don't I have the right?

I know how much L meant to you, and how distraught you were that he was dead.

**But didn't I matter at all, in the end?**

He was my all, my best friend, the only person who ever cared about me. Gone.

He ran away, just like all the other people in my life. I had been just a problem, a difficulty in everyone else's life; and guess what; they all ran from their problems. But I thought it might have been different this time.

But he left me behind, knowing what it would do to me. I've never felt pain such as this ever before in my life. And that is something I know all too well.

You know how they call it "heartbreak"? Well, I never would have guessed, but that is exactly what it feels like. It felt like there were gears running my heart, and that soon those gears would stop turning and my heart would finally stop beating.

Because Mello had been the only thing it would beat for.

_So why do you leave these questions unanswered?  
The circus awaits and you're already gone.  
My Cheshire cat doorstop with fear in your smile,  
What makes it so easy for you to be walking by?  
And what did I do that you can't seem to want me?_

_And why do we lie here and whisper goodbyes?  
And where can I go that your pictures won't haunt me?_

_And what makes it so easy for you to be walking by?_

_**And what did I do that you can't seem to want me?**_

_**And why do we lie here and whisper goodbyes?**_

_**And where can I go that your pictures won't haunt me?**_

_**What makes it so easy for you to be walking by?**_

_**Walking by,**_

_**Walking by.**_

_**Song: Walking By – Something Corporate**_

**There is the first part. Please R&R, and constructive criticism is awesome. I promise the next chapter will be better. Thank you. :3**


	2. Part 2: Mello : Konstantine

**A/N: I thought of this chapter at about 12 at night. I was up until 3 writing and editing this. I fell asleep in school the next day, twice. Aha.**

**But I spent a long time fixing this up and changing details even after it was pretty much done.**

**I think that this chapter is much better than the first one and I worked hard on this, so I hope you enjoy it.**

_Part 2: _**Mello - Konstantine**

_I can't imagine all the people that you know, _

_And the places that you go,_

_When the lights are turned down low, _

_And I don't understand all the things you've seen, _

_But I'm slipping in-between _

_You and your big dreams, _

_It's always you, in my big dreams._

---

I felt cold as I walked away through the white snow, with my back turned to the gates of Wammy's Orphanage.

I was finally leaving my home; the place I grew up, the place that saved me, the place where I met Matt. L was dead. I couldn't stay. I didn't delay with goodbyes. _They would be too difficult._

I felt as if the empty windows in the front of the house were watching me, as if they were eyes.

I tried to be strong; I tried to hold back the tears as I walked away. I couldn't let this place see me weak. _I will __**not**__ let this place see me weak._ I whispered to myself angrily.

I climbed into the train carriage and looked for a seat. I sat down, and looked away from the laughing group of people opposite me. They reminded me of what I was now; **alone.**

I closed my eyes wearily, and let the tears escape my from under my eyelids. Soon they were streaming down my face and I let out silent sobs. _I have to do this. I just have to. I'm sorry Matt. _

I could feel eyes on me, the laughter of the group on the other side of the carriage aisle had ceased. I looked up, my eyes bloodshot and my face soaked in tears. I tried to sound angry, "_What. What do you want?" _but it all came out in a choked whisper. They were silent. I turned away and buried my face in my hands. _I must be strong_. I whispered to myself, over and over. _I must be strong for Matt._

_And you tell me that it's over, _

_Wake up lying in a patch of four leaf clovers, _

_And you're restless, and I'm naked,_

_You've gotta get out,_

_You can't stand to see me shakin,' _

_No, could you let me go? _

_I didn't think so._

_---_

I've found you, Mello.

_I threw aside the rubble as fast as I could. The sharp scraps of metal glinted cruelly as the knife-like edges sliced through my hands. I paused as I watched the blood slide from the wound. I was bleeding; but the wound was less pain than the hurt I'd felt over these five years. But I must continue. I worked frantically, until. Until, I found you. Lying underneath the huge mound of the building you just blew up. Bruised, scratched, your dirtied, burned face dripping with blood. I pulled you out and picked you up in my arms. With one arm under your shoulders and the other under your knees, I carried you back to my car. I laid you down carefully in the back seat, and strapped you in. I climbed into the driver's seat and turned to look at you. I let the tears run as I saw your broken body. I will mend you. I will save you. _

_I looked down at my torn and bleeding hands. Even when I find you, it still hurts me._

_I laughed nervously to myself, despite the situation._

_---_

_And you don't wanna be here in the future _

_So you say the present's just a pleasant _

_Interruption to the past, _

_And you don't wanna look much closer,_

_Cause you're afraid to find out all this hope, _

_You had sent into the sky, by now, had, crashed. _

_And it did because of me._

Golden sunshine flooded the room as the curtains were opened, bathing the room in warmth.

My eyelids felt heavy as they fluttered open. I looked up to see someone standing at a window, looking at me. Beams of sunlight bounced around the figure silhouetted against the shining curtains, the radiant glow around them resembling that of an angel. Auburn hair flashed as they cocked their head at me. Emerald green eyes glinted as they looked into mine.

"M-Matt?"

A small smile spread across his face.

_And then you bring me home, _

_Afraid to find out that you're alone, oh, _

_And I'm sleeping in your living room, _

_But we don't have much room to live, _

"Mels."

"W-where am I, Matt? Am I dead?"I whispered.

"No, silly. This is my apartment." Matt said gently.

"Oh."

"You almost killed yourself."His quiet voice trembled as he spoke.

"I'm sorry Matt."I replied softly, barely daring to speak.

I felt my face throbbing and I reached up and flinched in shock at the contact with the bandage there.

"What happened?"

Matt smiled sadly. "You blew up the mafia base. I was coming to find you there. I found you, and took you home. Half of your face and some of your body were badly burned in the explosion." A tear rolled down his cheek and caught, the silvery drop hanging onto his jaw. "I thought I was going lose you."

"I'll tell you my story if you tell me yours."

"Deal."

I sighed and closed my eyes.

"Matt?"

"Yes?"

"W-will you take care of me?"

"Of course Mels. I always will."

"Thank you. Hrmph, I sound like such a wimp." I sighed.

"Asking for someone to care for you is not being a wimp. Everybody needs somebody to care for them." Matt chuckled slightly.

"I think I need to rest some more Matt."

"Goodnight Mello."

"Goodnight."

I was fading fast. I was so tired. But for the first time in years, I felt safe, because of Matt.

I was slipping into the darkness of my dreams when I heard a voice echo faintly in the room. "I found you Mels. It took me five years of searching. But I finally found you. It hurt me so much but it was all worth it in the end; to be able to save your life, Mels."

_And I had dreams, In them I learned to play guitar _

_Maybe cross the country, become a rock star _

_And there was hope in me that I could take you there _

_But damn it, you're so young _

_Well I don't think I care _

_And if I hurt you, then I'm sorry _

_Please don't think that this was easy._

I sat on a worn, grey wooden bench in the park, with my chin resting in my palm. I observed the calm quiet of the evening, the white snow blanketing the ground and trees. Icy snowflakes swirled around my face, blown gently by the wind.

I wasn't sure how I could face Matt. I hurt him so much, and he saved my life, tended me and cared for me. Even after I just, _left_ him behind.

I shivered slightly. Damn, he was always right. Leather was not the warmest material in the world.

Suddenly I felt thin arms slide around my middle. "What are you doing out here, Mels?" I felt a chin rest on my shoulder. He _always_ knew where I was. I didn't understand how he guessed, _always._

I didn't reply, and I think he must have guessed my thoughts.

He understood people well.

"Mello. That day, I was so close to finding you. I was coming to the mafia base. When I arrived there, all I found was a smoking ruin of a building. But I continued to search. I didn't know if I would find you or not, but I searched the rubble for you; I worked as hard as I did for the past five years to find you. Metal scraps cut and tore at my hands. Sweat poured into my eyes and blinded me. I could've been caught. I could've been killed. But I didn't stop till I found you. That day you left the orphanage, when L died. I smashed a glass of water on my bedside table, I beat my fists into it until they were pierced with glass and blood was pouring from my hands. I punched the wall until my knuckles bled and stained the white wall. I threw myself on the bed and screamed and sobbed. I didn't eat, I didn't sleep, I didn't _live_ anymore. I was just simply a way of moving some goggles and striped shirts around. I can't lie to you; you almost killed me Mello. "

I couldn't look at him. I couldn't handle it. _This had been my fault._ I was trembling, and a tear escaped my eye.

"But you saved me, too."

I slowly lifted my head to look at him. My eyes widened; Matt was crying.

He let the tears run freely, no attempt to hide them. Matt was always like that. He was never afraid to cry. He was never afraid to tell others how he felt.

I watched as a new wave of salty tears welled up in those emerald coloured eyes, making them sparkle in the setting sun, before spilling over onto his pale cheeks, flushed from the cold.

"Every moment was hell being away from you. I could barely handle it. But every time I thought I would completely lose it I thought of you. I focused on a picture of you in my mind. I repeated to myself, _Mello is still out there. I want to find him. And I will._ You were what kept me going, you were the one that kept me living, even though you were the one that nearly killed me. You were the one that kept me from going crazy, even though you were the one that nearly drove me to that point."

I couldn't take it. I let out the tears, filled with my anguish. They rolled down my face, one after another; I thought they would never stop.

"But in the end, I found you. And you saved me Mello. So in a way you also saved yourself, which saved me. Okay I'll shut the fuck up about that before I confuse myself. Besides, who else would there be to come after a crazy chocolate-addicted mafia blonde dressed in leather?" He smiled, in spite of his red eyes.

I let out a choked sob. "Matt. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry."

"Mello, it's okay. I told you."

"But Matt… I hurt you. I hurt you so much. I left… Knowing what I was doing to you. I knew it would hurt you, but I still left. I left to keep you safe, but I still fucked up. I _almost fucking killed you. _I am so fucking sorry."

I was crying like I never had before. I let out everything I'd locked up for years, the emotions and pain stored inside my heart. In the mafia, as an unwritten rule, you're not allowed to cry.

"The day I left, I tried to hold the tears back as I walked away from Wammy's. I managed until I got into the train, but then, I cried until my throat and eyes were dry and I felt empty, as if I had just cried out my life's blood. It was so _hard_."

Matt looked sadly into my blue eyes.

_And then you bring me home _

_Cause we both know what it's like to be alone, oh _

_And I'm dreaming in your living room _

_But we don't have much room to live._

_And Konstantine is walking down the stairs _

_Doesn't she look good standing in her underwear? _

_And I was thinking, what I was thinking _

_We've been drinking and it doesn't get me anywhere _

_My Konstantine came walking down the stairs _

_And all that I could do was touch her long, blonde hair,_

_And I've been thinkin', It hurts me thinking,_

_That these nights when we were drinking,_

_No they never got us anywhere, no. _

_This is because I can spell confusion with a 'K,' _

_And I can like it,_

_It's to dying in another's arms, _

_And why I had to try it,_

_It's to Jimmy Eat World, _

_And those nights in my car, _

_When the first star you see,_

_May not be a star, _

_I'm not your star, _

_Isn't that what you said, _

_What you thought this song meant. _

"My time in the mafia was one of the cruellest times of my life. At the time I did it because I thought it was what I had to do. But I killed innocent people, Matt. I robbed, I hurt. I fucked up so many people; even people who didn't deserve that. There were people that did, but I wish _I_ hadn't done it. "

I was a little startled at the words that were spilling uncontrolled from my mouth.

Being away from Matt really fucked me up.

_And if this is what it takes _

_Just to lie with my mistakes _

_And live with what I did to you _

_All the hell I put you through _

_I always catch the clock_

_It's 11:11, and now you wanna talk _

_It's not hard to dream _

_You'll always be My Konstantine _

"And the worst thing is, while I destroyed people's lives, I was also killing you. **You**, Matt. "

I clenched my fists and pressed them against my knees.

"And you told me the day after you rescued me, "Everybody needs somebody to care for them.""

I looked him in the eyes with as much strength as I could muster.

"What about you? Who cared for _you_ for the five years after I abandoned you!?" I cried out, the anguish choking my voice.

Bitter tears dripped onto the ground. Matt was silent, but closed his eyes and sighed.

_My Konstantine _

_They'll never hurt you like I do _

_No they'll never hurt you like I do _

_No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no _

"Mel-" He started, but I cut him off. I couldn't bear to hear it.

"That's my story, Matt. Will you forgive me?"

I whispered through the tears.

"Of course, Mels. No matter what you do, I can always forgive you."

Matt smiled.

I looked down at my hands and allowed myself a small smile. I leant against Matt and allowed the tears to run. But they were different tears this time.

We sat in silence as the sun finally sank below the horizon, taking with it the light and it passed into cool night.

"Let's go home, Mels."

_This is to a boy_

_Who got into my head _

_With all the pretty things he did _

_Hey, you know _

_You keep me up in bed _

"Matty." I whispered and shook his shoulder gently.

"It's time to wake up." He groaned and turned over and buried his face in the cushion. I laughed lightly and slipped my arms around him and swiftly gathered him up.

He opened a green eye lazily and remarked, "Mello, I was trying to sleep."

"I know Matt. But I'm not letting you sleep the entire day."

"Would you be so kind as to put me down now?" Matt replied.

"Oh, of course." and promptly dropped him on the bean bag nearby.

"Hey!"

_This is to a boy _

_Who got into my head _

_With all these fucked up things I did _

_Hey, maybe, baby _

_You could keep me up in bed _

I didn't deserve him. I truly didn't deserve to have Mail Jeevas.

_I nearly killed him, and_ _he forgave me._ _Who can forgive like that?_

I can't even imagine what it was like for him, to be so close to death from the hurt, and not being able to move on or give up, because of me.

No, I didn't deserve someone like Matt.

But Matt, it was so hard to leave you. And that day five years ago, when I got on that train, for the first time in my life; I missed someone. I missed _you_.

_**But I don't deserve for you to forgive me for what I did. **_

_My Konstantine _

_You spin around me like a dream _

_We played out on this movie screen _

_And I said _

_Did you know I missed you?_

_Did you know I missed you?_

_Did you know I missed you?_

_Did you know I missed you?_

_Did you know I miss you?_

_Did you know I miss you?_

_Did you know I miss you?_

_I miss you _

_And then you bring me home _

_And we go to sleep _

_But this time not alone _

_And I know, and you'll kiss me in your living room _

_I know, I know you miss me in your living room _

_Cause these nights I think _

_Maybe that I miss you in my living room_

I sat down on a chair on the balcony of Matt's apartment. A chilly morning wind blew around the city, white frost making the trees glisten.

I heard Matt's voice from behind me. "Mel."

I turned around to see him standing there in his usual attire, smiling. "Matt?"

"I was missing you Mello."He grinned. Damn it, his cheeks were going red again. Was it the cold?

"Idiot, I was gone for 5 minutes."I chuckled.

"Well I still missed you. If you leave for too long again I'll become insecure Mels." He tipped his head slightly to the side, with a curious expression, and waiting for my reaction.

"I'm sorry." I lowered my face.

I felt my heart speed up as a cool hand cupped my chin and lifted up face. "Mel, it's okay. I could tell what you were thinking about before."

"Really?" I whispered softly.

"Yes. You have a certain look on your face when you think about… that. "He smiled.

I stood up, "Let's go inside Matt."

He nodded, and then leant forward, wrapping his arms around me and resting his chin on my shoulder. I froze momentarily, and then relaxed. I could feel his warmth spreading through my chilly body. "I love you Mels." He whispered. I smiled and draped my arms around Matt's thin form and hugged him closer. "I love you too Mattie." I closed my eyes and just focused on the feeling of his heart beating against my chest. I just wanted to hold him like this forever.

"I was thinking about what you said that other time. About who cared for me during those five years." Matt said softly. I stiffened slightly, but didn't let go of him.

"Did you ever think or wonder about me during that time, Mel?"

I pulled him even closer to me. "Yes, Matt. I did. I thought about you every day." I whispered.

"Well then. That's who cared for me all those years. I believed that you did, Mello. That you still cared." He buried his face in the crook of my neck. I shivered at the feel of his breath on my neck. "Thank you Matt." I whispered into his hair. "Thank you for forgiving me." I felt him smile against my neck. "What else could I do, Mels? He replied softly.

_**But we don't have much room, **_

_**I said does anybody need that room, **_

_**Because we all need a little more room,**_

_**To love.**_

_**My Konstantine.**_

**_

* * *

_**

There we go.

I greatly appreciate all reviews, even if they're to tell me how horrible this is. And you can have cookies. _

Thank you. :3

Song: Konstantine by Something Corporate


	3. Part 3: Matt & Mello : Cavanaugh Park

****

I'm sorry this one took so long. ;___;

**But be happy, because this is nearly 2,000 words longer that it originally was.**

**This one was perhaps even a bit more influenced by the song than the other two chapters.**

**It was mostly done for a while, but there were some things that didn't sit quite right and I wanted to change them…**

**Anyway, I worked really hard to make it epic for you guys and I hope it does the wait justice.**

**Don't you just love flashbacks?~**

* * *

_Part 3:_ **Cavanaugh Park – Matt & Mello: Together.**

Matt was out shopping. I was extremely bored, but I felt like just relaxing for once instead of working. I looked out the window; the sun had begun to set; the golden orb pulling the light from the sky, sinking into the shadows of the night. I tugged on the collar of the black, long sleeve shirt I was wearing. For the time being, I'd been avoiding leather a bit. Fuck, I know; that's unbelievable. But leather held too many memories of what had transpired in the past five years.

I reached over to the radio and flicked the on switch. I listened to voices chatter about the next song they were about to play; and a loud poppy song began to blast from the speakers. I quickly switched the station. I flicked through talk shows, gardening shows, and some more music programs. I stopped at a station that was playing a song that I knew. I sat quietly and listened, until the song came to an end. This show had a soft-spoken announcer, "The next song is Cavanaugh Park, by Something Corporate." He practically whispered.

The song began to play. The soft sound of a piano wafted from the speakers. I turned up the volume.

_At Cavanaugh Park,  
Where I used to sit,  
All alone in the dark,  
And dream about things,  
That I cannot say,  
You always said destiny,  
Would blow me away,  
And nothing's gonna blow me away,_

The words caught my attention, and I listened intently.

_  
At Cavanaugh Park,  
Where you used to take me,  
To play in the sand,  
And said to me, "Son, one day you'll be a man,  
And men can do terrible things."  
Yes they can,  
_

_---_

"_Give it to me quickly." I spat. The elderly man cowered under the barrel of my gun. I watched the door warily while I kept the gleaming weapon pointed at him as he searched in the drawers behind the counter. I looked back and he held out a parcel wrapped in rough brown paper, his gnarled hands trembling. I looked down at the shaking figure, his face bent low. "Look up. Look up at me. ", I spoke coldly. He raised his head slowly, his lip quivering and his old, dull eyes wide and frantic. "P-please. Just take it and leave us be." He whispered shakily. I grasped the package and pulled it roughly away from him. I turned, and walked towards the door of the store. But just as I reached the door and took the handle, I paused. "I apologise. But you saw my face." I whipped around and pulled down on the trigger; a piercing shot shattered the quiet of the small room. I heard a cry from the other room, and I flung the door open and fled. I climbed onto my motorbike and drove away; trying to drown out the sounds and cries of grief as a woman wept next to the body of her husband. _

"**Oh yes, they can."** I said quietly to myself, repeating the words.

_  
And there was never any place,  
For someone like me to be,  
Totally happy,  
I'm running out of clock and that,  
Ain't a shock,  
Some things never do change,  
Never do change,_

_--_

"_No! He beat me again!" I fumed. Near, that albino prick. He'd gotten perfect score. Me, 99.5%. I growled to myself. How could I have made such a ridiculous mistake?_

_But it was the same as all the other times. I was brilliant; I was a genius at school from a young age; when I still had parents. But for my dad, that wasn't good enough for him. "MIHAEL! What is this?! A letter from the school! You're getting bullied, huh?" he roared. "Only cowards get bullied! No son of mine will be a coward! You hear me?!"He spat angrily at me, "I want no more of these letters! I don't care if you kill those kids. But you will not be a coward!" He lashed out at me with his fist; I was too slow. His knuckles collided with my skull, delivering a dizzying pain as I stumbled back and fell against the wall. I wasn't strong enough to stand up to those bullies at that time. Either way, I lost._

_-_

_And now at Wammy's, I was being beaten again. By a child, younger than me; it was so __**unfair.**_

_It's just that, I try, I try so hard. Near does nothing. I tried hard for my father too. But no._

"_I WAS JUST NEVER GOOD ENOUGH!"_

_I screamed at the pin board, which displayed the scores of the week, mocking me with the little white haired kid's name, just above mine. The goal was so close but yet so far away. _

_The other children backed away from me as I raged. But what I really wished was that they didn't do that. I wished for somebody I could tell, somebody that would understand. Somebody that would tell me that it would be okay, somebody to tell me to just keep pushing on. I'd never had that before, and I needed that. But no, there was nobody here that could be that somebody for me._

"**There never **_**was **_**a place, was there?"** I continued to whisper softly.

_  
At Cavanaugh Park,  
We used to get high,  
Watching teams as they fought,  
They loved my friend Adam,  
But he always got caught,  
Man, that kid made fucking up look cool,  
Aren't we all so cool now? No.  
_

_---_

_**But then Matt came to Wammy's.**_

_---_

_  
And there was never any place,  
For someone like me to be,  
Totally happy,  
I'm running out of clock,_

_And that ain't a shock,  
Some things never do change,  
Never do change,  
_

_--_

_I chuckled lightly as 12-year-old Matt fell backwards with a moan, the words "GAME OVER" flashing on the television screen. "I lost! That's impossible! No!" Matt shouted as he waved his arms frantically at the screen. He heard me laughing and his head whipped around, his red hair falling into his eyes. I laughed more as he tried to blow it out of his face. He looked so frustrated; cheeks flushed and his arms flailing. And that was hilariously cute. _

"_Come on Matt. It's just a game."_

"_No! This is important!" he pouted and folded his arms. _

"_Fine."I retorted, before leaping forward, tackling him onto the ground and engulfing him in a hug. He squeaked before sliding his arms around me, returning the gesture. _

"_Better, Mattie?"I questioned. A muffled giggle came from slightly squashed best friend. I smiled._

"**No, some things never change…" **

_  
Never do change,  
Never do change,  
Never do change,_

_---_

"_No… No. No! He can't be dead! He's __**L**__ for fuck's sake! __**L**__!" I screamed at Roger, who had backed up against the wall with a scared look on his face. "I'm sorry Mello. But this is real." He spoke, keeping his gaze steady._

"_You never really cared anyway, did you, Roger? You never cared about L or about the children in this orphanage!"I shouted the accusation at him._

"_YOU NEVER KNEW WHAT HE MEANT TO ALL OF US!" I roared, trying to ignore the angry tears welling up behind my eyes pushing to escape. I fled from his office, running back to the room Matt and I shared. _

_--_

_I placed the note carefully on his pillow._

_I wanted to write more, I did. I could've written an entire novel filled with what I wanted to say to Matt. But I just __**couldn't.**_

_-  
At Cavanaugh Park,  
Where I used to think,  
That my life would be good,  
And I would do things,  
That I thought that I should,  
And no one's going to tear me down,  
_

_---_

"_Why!? Why are you doing this!? YOU'RE A MONSTER!" the woman screamed as she threw herself in front of her children, her face wet and distorted with fear. I set my jaw and looked away as I pulled the trigger. __**Bang.**_

_The scared, helpless cries of her children pierced deep into my heart. I raised the gun again, my hands trembling. But I had to do it. __**Bang. Bang. **__I averted my gaze from the lifeless forms splattered with rosy red. I crumpled to my knees, shaking all over. It was done. A tear escaped. But I quickly wiped it away and stood up as my men burst into the room, then froze, with a mixture of shock and horror one their faces from what they saw. They had only recently joined the mafia and this was new to them. _

"_It had to be done. Deal with it." With a grim face, I picked up my gun from the floor, from where it had slipped from my hand. I spun it on my thumb and pushed it back into the loop at my belt. __**You need to lose the softness Mello. **__I told myself._

_-_

_As soon as I stepped into my room at the base and closed the door behind me, I fell to my knees. My glove-covered hands clenched tightly as the tears came._

_I had taken that mother's life. Right in front of her children and I had taken theirs too. It hadn't even been their fault._

_But what really hurt was that was how I'd become an orphan. I understood what those children felt, as the bullet pierced their mother's chest. As she crumpled to the floor, a red blush spreading across her clothes. I'd cried out with the same fear; I'd been the same child, crumpling slowly to the ground, sobbing with terror and crying out hopelessly as the shot was fired._

_I knew what they were feeling. And I just had to take their lives too, because I didn't want them to end up like me. My mother had been killed, but I had not. I'd spent my life in anguish, from the fact that I wasn't taken too, and left to hurt in this life._

_---_

"**Until L died; until I left Matt. Until all of those things happened."**

**This song was just so right, so true, about so many things.**

_  
And there was never any place,  
For someone like me to be,  
Totally happy,  
I'm running out of clock and that,  
Ain't a shock,  
Some things never do change,_

**A few salty drops slid down my cheeks. I pulled my knees up and rested my chin upon them, the tears soaking into the black material. This song, made me think so much of myself and my life. What I'd done, who I'd **_**become**_**.**

_  
And there was never any place,  
For someone like me to be,  
Totally happy,  
I'm running out of clock and that,  
Ain't a shock,_

_---_

"_Don't say that Mel. Don't __**ever." **__Matt growled._

"_Why? Why not? He's always been better than me. Always will. Why go on?" I whispered. _

"_Because you are different, Mello. He's always needed somebody else to do it for him. He's just the brains of it all. He's like a puppeteer, playing people on the end of strings, controlling them, but always hiding behind a curtain. Why do you think he only ever played with toys? It was because he was never able to connect to real people. __**Near can't do it alone**__. He's not like you. Because you have strength that he never will. You can put yourself out there, in the real world, with real people. Which is more like L than Near could ever be. L wasn't __**just**__ a genius. But even you might need someone to be there with you, to get you through. And there's no shame in that. But you can work __**together**__ with someone. Near will always work alone and I believe he will succeed. But he will never get there in the end without you."_

_---_

**But in the end it was okay; because Matt never gave up on me. **

"Mello! I'm home!" I heard him shout from the hall. I wiped my face with the back of my hand and hurried out to Matt. He was locking the door, with his back to me. I sneaked up to him and enveloped him in a hug from behind, earning a sound of surprise from the redhead.

"Welcome back Matt." He replied, "Thank you. But now you must help me take these bags to the kitchen." He grinned at me. I complied and grabbed a few plastic bags and rushed off to the kitchen, dumping them on the counter. He came in shortly afterwards, with the rest of the shopping. He piled them onto the counter and began to sift through them and put things away in cupboards. "Do that later! I missed you." I wrapped my arms around his waist and picked him up and carried him off to the living room, him yelling in surprise.

I dropped him onto the sofa. He looked at me with a confused expression. "Let's do something fun." I suggested. Then I noticed that the radio was still on.

I walked over, and that song was just coming to an end. I paused with my finger hovering over the off switch.

_Some things never do change,  
Never do change,  
Never do change,  
Never do change._

As the last line of the song was sung, and the music faded softly away, I smiled to myself and flicked the switch.

I walked back to Matt who was now sitting properly on the sofa, flipping a game case in between his hands. "Halo?" He looked up at me hopefully. "Okay, I'll play your game with you." I laughed.

He grinned cheerfully and jumped up and scrambled to insert the game into the Xbox 360 resting on the floor.

After some time of shooting and blowing up monsters, I gave it up and Matt continued to play by himself. I watched for a little while, but became gradually annoyed at him paying me little attention. I crawled up behind him, and jabbed my fingers into his sides. "AAAUUH!" Matt flung the controller to the side and clutched at his middle, unfortunately also unbalancing himself and falling back into my lap. Goggle-tinted eyes stared up at me with a slightly bewildered expression. I almost felt like a child at Wammy's again.

I pulled him up onto the sofa, so he was sitting on my lap and I leaned back into the cushion.

I reached over to the table nearby and snatched a chocolate bar, then Matt's black Nintendo DS.

I dropped the DS into Matt's lap before proceeding to tear open the chocolate wrapper with my teeth.

Two hours and many chocolate bars later, we were still lying on the sofa. Matt was now curled up against me, and I had laid my head on his, his soft hair tickling my face as he furiously tapped buttons on his DS. But every now and again his eyes would flicker away from the game screen, and I would catch him staring at me with his wide green eyes.

We'd spent the time in silence, but I knew we were both feeling the same thing. The same contentment of having this close contact, and just the feeling of knowing we have each other.

As the end credits flashed up on the screen of his DS, he turned to me and his eyes twinkled as he smiled.

There was something about that smile, something about those eyes; that made me smile too. Nobody else could make me smile back like this; **nobody else could make me feel like this.**

As I lay in my bed my mind whirred with thoughts, so as I hard as I tried, I was unable to fall asleep.

I heard the door creak open and somebody tiptoe in. I smiled as he slid into bed next to me, and I felt his thin arms slide around my waist and hug me close. I felt my heart thud as his soft lips grazed my forehead in a goodnight kiss. A warm feeling bubbled up inside me, and I could feel myself melting, relaxing against him as my eyes slipped shut.

**Nobody else had ever filled the empty hole in my chest.**

**Nobody else had ever stood by me when I had been lost to the world.**

**Nobody else had ever made me forget so much, that I moved forward from the past.**

**Nobody else had ever seen through my act.**

**Nobody else could've.**

_**No.**_

_**Nobody else but Matt.**_

_***_

**There was never any place for someone like Mello, to be totally happy. **

**And some things never do change.**

**But with Matt, Mello found a place, somewhere, where he could truly be happy.**

**In this world and any other, as long as they were together.**

_*** * ***_

_**The End.**_

…_**As far as has been told in this story.**_

* * *

**Song: Cavanaugh Park by Something Corporate**

**Booo, it's finished. D:**

**Well, I hope somebody enjoyed it. And thank you to: Mika Akako and Dear Lunacy for being my first reviewers ever. ^_^**

**And because I'm curious, which flashback did people like most? **

**Thank you for reading! **

**PS: It is recommended you listen to the songs the chapters are based on while reading. _ **


End file.
